I play like life is nice and fine; I play like life is all sunshine…

So I basically had an emotional breakdown at work yesterday.

It was crying-every-10-minutes-and-unable-to-gain-control-of-myself kind of meltdown. I asked to leave work early. Then I cried the entire way home contemplating places I could drive to that would make me feel better. I drove home and went to sleep. Sleep is always good when you cannot repress feelings the way they hit me yesterday.

Some days I adorn my battle armor and stand tall against the struggle. Some days.. well some days I fall apart.

A guy rejected me and it subsequently caused the cracks in my armor to expose all my raw parts. Theoretically it was bound to happen. I spend so much time letting things collect inside of me that anything could have caused the emotional leak. It could have happened because they didn’t have the right ice cream flavor at the grocery store. It could have been because I spilled my drink. And quite frankly, I would have it rather been an ice cream or spilled drink melt down then what actually happened. But never the less, it happened.

The bottom line to it all is that I absolutely HATE falling apart. Not only do I feel weak and vulnerable, but I feel like I have let others who look to me for strength down. People who struggle with their own insecurities I am constantly a cheerleader for. Telling them that they are perfect the way they are but then not believing that of myself? Why do be a hypocrite there Jenn. But to have them or anyone see me melt down and confess my darkest of thoughts, well, that… that is a place I hate to be.

But yesterday is gone and today is just beginning. I am working hard to not let my disappointment and guilt consume me which has always been hard in my never ending quest for approval and validation. The hard part is when I can't find the approval or validation of even myself.

But hey, I feel fine.

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