I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like the ending

One of my biggest faults is that I can often be too forgiving of people when they emotionally or physically harm me. But I would also wager that it is one of my better traits as well. I see the good in people, even when I can’t see it in myself. I see and seek out other peoples light like a heat or sun lamp. The hope is that their warmth and light will make me shine a little brighter.

As an empath, I have a hard time separating my feelings and emotions from others. It’s why I find being around people so incredibly draining. I need time away in order to sort through my own emotions, but I also need people to fully thrive. 

This can be a really hard balancing act because it often leaves me open to be taken advantage of and thus I become more standoffish when meeting new people. Being around my energy comes at a price of me taking a moment to fully assess you as a person before opening myself up.  It’s what every friend I have always says.  So I thought it was really interesting when my roommate and one of my closest friends said “It seems to be really easy for you to make friends.” I made a joke about my aurora or likability but the reality is, I struggle incredibly hard to make friends and I struggle even hard enough to open myself up to them, but once I have, that’s where I say I can often be too forgiving.  I allow people to take advantage of my “Cheerleader” nature and often find myself feeling like I give everything with very little return. And this frustrates me to no end.

Perhaps that is why I have taken this persona of “grumpy old man Jenn.” In effort to shield myself from people who would take and take and take. And I’ve already said I am an empath so it would come at a great cost to me.  I know I have always been jaded and a little untrusting but surely It cannot be a complete surprise given the things I have survived. At first I laughed, even took on the joke but the more I think about it (And I have… a lot) the more I see this as something negative and something that I don’t want to be. 

So I’ve spent the better part of 2020 trying to make my light shine a bit brighter and be more open to the possibilities that might offer themselves to me, but I find myself growing impatient at the lack of results I wanted. Optimism says that I should just keep swimming, but the nagging pessimism is ready to quit already. And I find myself climbing inside of myself again and becoming reclusive in effort to preserve myself. 

And sometimes I have to remind myself to not feel so deeply.  Surely I cannot be alone in this constant struggle between light and darkness? And why is it that I forgive others easily, but not myself?