Time together isn't never quite enough

Burned Out Hearts
JC Photography
Detroit, Michigan

When I drove my first Jetta, I began seeing them everywhere. When I bought my Jetta, it was multiplied. As if to say, "Hey, you're the same as me!"

When I fell in love for the first time, I saw his name in everything that I did. I picked it out in street signs and clouds. I saw it in storefronts and movie credits.

When I moved away from Arizona almost 7 years ago.. I saw Arizona plates everywhere. And then again when I moved from New Jersey to Michigan. My eyes zeroed in on those yellow Garden State plates. It didn’t stop there, When I left Michigan, it happened again. I easily find these things among the sea of Arizona plates. Michigan, New Jersey, & David. They flutter into my line of sight then seep into my memories and cloud my brain with

Reflections in my Utopia
JC Photography
Tucson, Arizona

a yearning and lust for the pieces of my heart that these people and places have.

I remember laying with David while his fingers plucked cords on his acoustic guitar. I can smell the air around us when he played name that tune with me.

I think about how my heart starts beating fast when I am in the middle of a city, the same way it did the first time I was in New York City.

I can smell the salty air from the Jersey Shore, the grainy sand beneath my feet giving away as I walk along the beach.

I can feel the cold nip in the air as fall turns to winter in Michigan.

A constant reminder of what I love and have loved. It doesn’t make me ache, but smile. A footprint on my heart.

Funny how the mind works, isn’t it?

“I don't want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald

Comments

I'm So Sorry That You Have to Have A Body....

I was walking through a crowed casino hall on New Years Eve with my then boyfriend and friend, we were making our way to the area where there was supposed to be a balloon drop at midnight and I was really excited to be spending my first New Years Eve with my boyfriend – some parts because I managed to get him out of the house with me, but mostly because I have always loved New Years Eve. It always represented a change for me where one door closes an another one opens. New Year, new me and all that jazz. Thought I have never been one for New Years Resolutions, I have always liked the magic of something new. As we made our way through the crowed a women made a rude comment about my weight which I ignored because I was used to it, but also because I was on a mission to kiss a very attractive man under a shower of balloons. The comment, however, was very triggering to my friend and she rushed off and out of the casino. Not wanting her to be alone and to figure o...

Combat, I'm Ready for Combat. I Say I Don't Want That But What if I do?

Here is how body image issues get to me: Yesterday my active wear from Lane Bryant arrived after much anticipation. I was so excited that I didn’t waste any time putting on the elastic pants pulling them up over my large hanging stomach and feeling the thick band secure around my waist. Skeptically I walked briskly out of the bathroom and around our downstairs living area. The pants stayed firmly around my waist. I jiggled my body. Nothing. I beamed. I sat down, then got up again. Beamed again. They were staying firmly around my hips and holding the hanging fat of my stomach closer to my body which helped moving around without issue. This was monumental for me purely for the fact that I had always struggled with pants staying up around my waist and struggled even more with finding leggings or any type of pant that would allow me to move my body freely without constant disruption of holding my pants up with my hands. It’s not that I don’t like moving my body or exercising,...

Thanks for making me a fighter...

I have been thinking about what I wrote the other day on an instagram post regarding my hesitation of wearing clingy clothing and how I only made mention of not liking clingy clothing for the “exposure of my bumps and stomach.” As if it was a shame I had felt. Not expressing that my hesitation is not only tied to my changing view of my body and exposing parts I have been told to cover up. But also because publicly posting and existing in tight clothing allows more fodder for fetish and objectifiers. The boldness I truly spoke of was pushing past these people in effort to show that we are allowed to “not cover up” and opening myself up to them more. Its a really hard thing for me to move past because it makes me incredibly angry. My words are easily minced with insecurity and lacking confidence because I am learning to retrain my own fat phobic auto responses in my views of myself and others. They are easily seen as deficient in conviction because fat bodies are not afforded these ...

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