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I guess we are who we are.

I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to submit applications after application and attend interview after interview with countless places and still be jobless. Then watch my friend who was also looking for a job put in two, maybe three applications to places and get hired by one of them.  I am envious to the point of anger.
I’d like to say that perhaps she is better at work or has more to offer, but I have 15 years of working experience on her and less anxiety with working with people in general. It’s hard not to look at what the facts are.  She is conventionally pretty and therefore able to get hired to a job regardless of experience. Because the reality is, it’s not about experience is it? It’s about the face value of a person.
I guess my face value is not worth the effort of an actual job. In the last month I have had either a phone interview or face-to-face interview 2-3x a week.  Lets not discount the fact that I have put in 5-10 applications to various places each day. My lack of job is not from lack of trying. I am trying my hardest and it is a continually losing battle for me.  Why?
I am fat. But I have experience, I have knowledge and I have skills. I have made offices more efficient.  I have exceeded expectations in a work environment but I am looked at as if I have polio or the plague. It’s so exhausting to have to work 3x as hard just to prove your worth because you exist in a body that is not “ideal.” To have to be better than perfect. Perfection doesn't exist and I am killing myself trying to attain this, for the mere idea that maybe I am worth the job offer. 
I am struggling every day with my self worth, but each day I brush my hair, I apply to those jobs. I write thank you notes, I dress myself, I research the companies. For what? Another rejection letter for a more “qualified” candidate? 
I am at the bottom of this barrel. I have lost any income I was making and am now worried about how I am going to pay my rent next month, pay my phone bill and keep my car fueled.  I have been living for the most part off of ramen, rice and coffee and I am losing my sanity. I don’t know what else to do, or who to look to for help. I am drowning.
I do not like feeling this helpless. It burns me at my core.
S.O.S Please send help.


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