Or you can start speaking up... I wanna see you be brave

I often find it difficult to exist in the Body Positive and Fat Activist communities because I find that the people who are given the microphone or spotlight are the people who already fit into what is considered an acceptable fat.  This is not to diminish the struggles that anyone who falls on the plus-sized category but more to draw attention to the struggle that many of us who do not fit this aesthetic fall into and that while there are crusades to get brands to be more inclusive in their sizing, it seems that we area easily satisfied with a company that decides to offer up to US Size 18, because they’re including the whole 3-4 sizes of Plus into it. The sizes that are still considered “acceptable” fat. 

Me (right) Age 10.

 My whole life I have toted the line of “unacceptable” fat. When I was in junior high or middle school, I was shopping in women’s plus sized clothing. My options were extremely ruffled shirts and textures or the oppressive woven polyester that lined the closets of women who attended church every Sunday with matching hats. The kind of material that will stifle you in the 100+ temperatures of growing up in Southern Arizona.

And as I aged into High School, I was shopping at Avenue and Lane Bryant who still hadn’t made the shift into more fashion diverse trends and simply offered your basic sheet coverings and animal print options. And then around my Junior or Senior year of high school Torrid came into my life, and it was (still technically is) highly overpriced clothing that did not fall within my means. And while they have come a long way, at the time were not made from the most durable fabric often falling apart in two to three washes, but even then, my body type still skirted the ranges about the sizes they offered but I still spent the little money I had in attempts to fit somewhat into the fashion ideal that I wanted.

My Senior Photo (right) Age 18
(And very dumb)

Slowly through a combination of poor diet and depression from my tumultuous life my body grew and my clothing choices were no longer available in stores even in the back corner of shame, soon I was reliant entirely on online and magazine clothing where I would have to save for a year to buy any more than one to two clothing items at a time without the guarantee of it fitting or even being flattering to my body and while also being incredibly basic combinations of jeans and plain shirts, rarely ever finding a dress or skirt that wasn’t meant for someone 20-30 years older than me. I may have been in my late Teens early Twenties but the clothing options were meant for someone in their late 60s.

Once I started working full-time and had a bit of money to the side I discovered IGIGI, a company who provided beautiful dresses that fit my aesthetic more than the Pirate Shirts and Animal prints that many other plus-sized retailers were offering, but they again came at a steep price of $100-160 per dress. Something that as I often found myself taking my friends to stores to play Barbie with them and dress them in different styles would see those price tags on higher end items for things like Prom or Social events that required gowns or cocktail dresses. The dresses available from IGIGI were both formal and for everyday wear but I struggled to be fashionable at the steep cost. Every so often there was a sale and I would manage to get 2-3 dresses for around the cost of one and would consider it a win as I was able to cultivate my sense of style and curate a more stylish wardrobe in attempt to be seen as more than a potato sack with legs.

Me Now, Age 35

As I entered the Social Media world in full force attempting to be a voice of the diversity of sizes I again found myself in a community pushing the boundaries of “accepted” fat and watching those around be flourish in other ways while I seem to be gaining more attraction from men fascinated by my size and less by the voice and heart that is trying to scream its worth into a void of strangers in hopes that someone might scream back that they hear me and relate. I want to offer the idea that it’s okay to be fat, it’s okay to not love your body ALL of the time, and your worth is and should not be dictated by the size of your body, every day may be a struggle, but you still put your pants on and face the world.

And so I begin again the attempts to find brands that provide inclusive clothing for all body sizes and not just the slightly curvy and thick thighs. But also the brands that embrace a large hanging stomach and fat arms, mostly I have found that these “Plus-Sized” brands are only plus to an extent and that saddens me. No one prepared me to feel like I still did not fit in, in a community that has attempted to be inclusive of more bodies.

While I want so often want to shrink back into the silence I once had, only boosting the friends that I have close to me, I know that I am not alone in my desire for accessible fashion for larger bodies. I don’t want to be draped in a sheet, I want fun patterns and colorful dresses. I want access to the retro styles that have filled my feeds and there are plenty of people like me, willing to spend the money if the accessibility was there.  I need plus-sized brands to start showing up for the entire community, not just those deemed worthy.