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I sure know where I've been....


Central Park, NYC
JC Photography

I have spent my entire life trying to escape Arizona. Running from everything that this state became to me. A trap. A nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. A constant reminder of all the things I had done wrong. Arizona was my emotional hell.

 When I was 18 I moved to Illinois to live with my aunt in search of a better future. I needed to pull myself from the tragedy that was the life I had become accustom to in Tucson. I was a high school dropout and suffering from extreme depression. I thought the change of scenery would be good and I could reinvent myself.  I survived 6 months before the loneliness took over and I couldn’t stand living so far from my friends and family. I moved back to Illinois with a GED. So I had made some progress.

When I was 20 some friends and I decided that we should move to Las Vegas. I didn’t care where I moved as long as I wasn’t living in Arizona. I sold all of my things and left with my cat and a few personal items. I lasted 4 weeks.

When I was 23, I moved to New Jersey where I established roots and lived for 3 years. I loved the excitement of the East Coast. It forced me to change. Forced me to look at myself. Forced me into depression and forced me to pull myself out of it. I don’t say I “lasted” 3 years here because it wasn’t a matter of whether or not I could stay or wanted to leave. I never wanted to leave New Jersey. I lived in a place that was 30-45 minutes from any time of environment a person could want. City, Mountain, Farm country, or Beach. I could have it, easily. But I would NEVER live in Arizona again. I told everyone this much. I couldn’t see myself ever finding home or comfort in the state that had brought me so much pain.
Pictured Rocks, Michigan
JC Photography

 I moved to Michigan when I was 27 and it wasn’t because I was trying to escape something, but rather that I had found a desire and a need to succeed, of which I couldn’t afford in New Jersey. My aunt offered me room and board for a steal and I was ready to focus on my future. I spent my time in Michigan going to school and developing myself professionally.

When I was 29, I moved back to Arizona.  This time, it was after spending time visiting family and friends that I realized everything I ran from wasn’t what I was running from. I was running from myself. I was trying to escape my own inner demons. Demons I had to face when I was alone in New Jersey.  I remember the moment my hatred for a state finally let go so perfectly clearly. I was sitting with my youngest nephew Josh, he was talking to me about living in Michigan and he asked me if I had ever lived in Tucson. I said that I had and he said to me “I wish you still did.” I melted and my heart ached. Later that day I drove around to all the places I used to go when I was sad or upset. I knew the curves and turns. Tucson was like an old lover that falls into your arms and fits perfectly. Suddenly I was homesick for the first time in 6 years.

When my sister called one evening in September 2013 to tell my aunt and I that she was pregnant. I heard the news and instantly knew my time had ended in Michigan. It was time to go home. Time to surround myself with the family I gave up easily in search of myself. To feel the curve of Gates Pass and view the diamond-like lights from the top of Campbell. It was time to let go. However, my need to explore and experience life landed me north of home in Tempe.  It allowed me just enough space to establish my own independence, but also be close enough that if I reached out or fell, there would be people there to catch me.  

For the first time in a long time, it feels good to be me. 
Tucson, Arizona
JC Photography
"I feel the older I get, the more I'm learning to handle life. Being on this quest for a long time, it's all about finding yourself." - Ringo Starr
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